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"what else is there to do at 4 in the morning?": a review.

The Black Dahlia was a semi-major disappointment.  Major because I actually wanted to see it when it was in the theaters.  Semi because I never bothered to check the cast,  making it my fault.  I just can’t buy Josh Hartnet.  He’s too cute.  It’s that smile that gets him.  It’s too little boy happy, cute and blushing.  I couldn’t take him as a cop with Harrison Ford (can I admit I saw that movie?) and as a serious, quiet, brooding cop?  Forget it.  And as a boxer?  Are you kidding me?  His body is underdeveloped, like a 16 year-olds and his arms are half a size too big.  They don’t make sense on his body.  I wasn’t impressed. 

Since he’s obviously the only hot guy this movie is strictly for straight dudes and girls who like girls.  I don’t buy his partner what’s his name as a hot guy in any sense of the word. 

The movie was so slow.  30% Dahlia and 70% the triangle relationship.  All about the fucking triangle.  I could do a diagram of some sort about all the triangles in this movie.  But really, the movie was so blah the hidden numerology and any other bullshit that can be dissected from it doesn't really mean shit. 

What does mean shit is all the hot sex scenes.  It was chock full of sex scenes.  My girl Jenny from the L-Word was the Dahlia.  She was a hot whore with wild hair.  She has a raunchy stag film with another girl.  It’s pretty sexy until a metal ribbed pole with a flap of sick old leather and/or rubber on the end is used as a dildo.  The murder was nasty.   I have to admit, there are some pretty sick scenes.  Gore fans will at least get a couple of thrills.  Maybe there are straight women who can enjoy the dahlia. 

I gotta give my girl Swank props for being an exquisite uppity skanky bi chick.  She had some dirty bang scenes in cheap motel rooms with Joshy.  But not as raw dog as the Scarlet Johansen bang scene.  That one was poptacular.  He even destroys a lovely crystal silver dinner set.  But no one cares.  I wouldn’t either.

The bitch from Three Men and  Little Lady (why am I doing this to myself?)  is an amazingly pilled out, alcoholic freak.  She's fabulous.

The plot between the main triangle:  Harnet, Johansen and partner dude was so predictable.  They could have at least throne us an earlier bang scene.  One out of two hours of attraction, flirtation, invitation, denial, grief and then, finally fucking.  It’s good though and the only reason why I can let whoever directed it go. 

Overall I’ll never see it again but it’s worth seeing once.  For Jennie and Hillary, or the bang scenes if nothing else. 

Singled Out

Jenny McCarthy's Dirty Love is raunchy and hilarious.  Jenny's character catches her model boyfriend fucking some other woman and her life falls apart. 

The plot is basic and the ending predictable but eveyrthing aside from that is, dare I say, genius?  If not genius, so god-damned funny you hardly notice the difference.

The movie is over the top in every way- from fish fucking while on acid, to leaving literally a pool of menstral blood on the floor a grocery- it's so ridiculous that the only way your brain can handle so much intensity is by laughing hysterically, until your eyes well up.

Carmen Electra plays the best role of her life, if she's ever really played a role.  She's a ghetto fabulous bitch with an attitude and my favorite character by far.  "Girl!  Are you crazy?  Your big ol' tittie's hangin out!"

See the unrated version and try to not die laughing. 

Redefining the dirty bang

Showgirls is somehow now considered a cult classic.  This is based soley on how skanky and dirty the movie, but most importantly, Elizabeth Berkley is. 

From the intelligent nerd in Saved by The Bell to ho-bag extraordinare in this NC-17 meltdown.  It's all about seeing Elizabeth Berkley and her horse mouth get down.

The acting is bad from the beginning and Elizabeth is so on edge and coked out it makes you uncomfortable just watching her.

Not much about plot is important here.  What's important is that you get to see Elizabeth Berkley bare all, grind a pole, dry hump a man until he cums and get fondled by Gina Gershon.

There's a wicked dirty lap dance scene and an intensely graphic pool bang scene with Agent Cooper that redefines the modern conventions of not only dirty dancing but also dirty fucking.

Elizabeth Berkley displays her underwater sex prowess like none I've seen before.  Her hip movement alone causes a fucking tsunami in the pool.  She could teach a class on the art of hard core grinding and humping.

She also displays some impressive strip and stage dancing.  As does Gina Gershon.

There's also an ultra graphic, hyper violent rape scene that is so sufficently horrifying and disturbing that I will never be able to watch the movie again, not even for the dirty bang scene.

But there is a kick ass revenge scene which repairs some of the damage done and makes me love Elizabeth Berkley forever. 

I recommend Showgirls for anyone who's a fan of strippers, dirty, scandalous action and horrifically coked out bad acting. 

For the gay fans, there's fondling and a kiss between Gina and Elizabeth which offers some hot sessions to tuck into your mind for later. 

Barb Wire and the ultimate feminist fantasy

For those of you who have forgotten or purposely never allowed yourself to remember Barb Wire staring Pamela Anderson, I'd like to say you had your reasons.  To be sure, the movie is pretty bad...possibly bordering on terrible and swaggering towards unwatchable. 

But there is an undeniable feminist message amongst the vinyl, gun fights, strip scenes and explosions.  Barb Wire is a bad ass, take no shit from anyone- least of all a man, mercenary for hire who's on only one side- her own.  She bribes men, sometimes only having to use her awesome rack and tight ass, to get whatever she needs.  She poses as a prostitute to blow a hole through some sick dude's wall to capture some other sick dude.  She fights the cops, she fights the rebels and she makes out with on old flame, covered in bubbles, in front of his new wife.  Go Barb.

Here's some quick background to the story, which is really inconsequential. 

Barb Wire lives in Steel Harbor, the last free city in the US after the second civil war.  It's sort of post-apocalyptic or possible escape from L.A-ish.  The movie starts out with a ridiculously long strip "shower" scene where Pam shows us the goods.  The intro's gotta be close to 10 minutes or something.  I'm sure it was only thrown in to please the fan boys (and girls) and to give people their money's worth. 

This lechy fat guy keeps calling her babe and telling her to take it all off so when she's done the show, she throws her stiletto and nails him right in the face.  She then kills the owner with a poison dart, rescues some poor little Catholic school girl from a life of prostitution and slavery to sell her back to her parents.  When her father tells Barb he only could come up with half the money, she responds back, "Then I'll just take half of your daughter".  She makes off with the money and his hot convertible. 

As a woman who's always enjoyed tough bitches and thought of them as female role models, I really enjoyed this movie.  It's cheesy- Barb breaks a nail after killing like 7 people- and the plot is kinda ridiculous, but it doesn't matter.  Barb is killing all these dudes- no women- and she's sexy and still very feminine as she's doing it.  She's smart and knows how to play the game so well, that everyone really just plays hers.  She says when, who and how.  No one can have her but everyone wants her.  She gets what she wants either by swaying men with her looks or kicking ass and taking it.  I can respect a woman who knows how to use her looks to her advantage- women were given the gift of being able to persuade straight men with just a bounce and a smile so I say use what you got women.  Where they have brute force, we have conniving wills and hotter bodies.  ha!

The movie ends with Barb getting revenge for her slain brother and hopping a plane out of the country.  Her cop friend, who's name also doesn't matter, tells her he could be falling in love with her and she responds, "Get in line" and then roll credits.  So perfect!

Barb is everything I hope to be when the apocalypse hits in 2012.  Hopefully looking almost as good in a vinyl body suit and stiletto boots.

for starters....

I had four bottles- not vials- of blood drawn today, Paris Hilton is going to be celibate for a year and has only slept with two men in her life and Mel Gibson is a Jew hater. 

But the moon is full and yellow and magical tonight and I could have killed myself driving today because I was straining to watch it rise.  But if that was my last sight before the crash, I could have slipped happily into unconsciousness.

For a nice change I have the house all to myself.  Jack is in West Philly seeing Shawn's new house and Sara is having a hot fling in Norway. 

Regina Spektor is singing the blues while I sip on chai. 

I have a mission tonight to see if my friend is fated by the stars to be with an old friend who's been in love with her for 10 years.  My secondary mission is to find some herbal menopause remedies for a special lady love in my life.

My grandfather turned 75 today.

My tarot reading last night told me I need to get off my ass, get a new job and rejuvinate myself, my life, my spirit.  I need to put my creative talents to use and stop procrastinating.  I suppose spending all night creating this new site was time well wasted in exchange for bettering myself.

"You can ride but you can't debt it"- Regina Spektor